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Little Toughie A.K.A Em



May 17th, 2008

"We can't go back"

She isn't what i originally thought she was.

I am never going to be good enough for her, nobody is ever going to be good enough for her...
she's great at her job, but she just isn't that nice a person. she's not a hero of mine anymore, i am angry at her, and i am hurt and i want to hurt her which i know is a horriblw, horrible thing to say and do and think even but, it's there on the surface still and it's still sore.

She wasn't there on friday, and i was happy. i noticed that she wasn't there but i wasn't like "oh i wonder why she's not here, i hope she's okay" i was like "oh hey she's not here, cool i don't have to deal with her!"

it is horrible, and it's my ability for spite coming out into form but i really want her to understand that she hurt me, that i thought she was something and she wasn't. and that i don't actually want anything to do with her...except i have to b/c she's my teach but that's it. i'm going to kick ass on my papers and my work and i'm going to do it without her help. and if i could switch lit classes i would but i have...chemistry or philosophy when the other class is on i think...or maybe i don't...maybe they put me in her class cos they thought i'd get on better in that one...whatever...


May 9th, 2008

What did i do? what did i do to make you ignore me pretty much completely for a week?
it's not even remotely okay because it's actually beginning to hurt now, and Wynnie doesn't even think i'm being completely paranoid, she thinks i'm caring a little too much about it but she has said that she is being weird and then Nick today asked me like four times if i was okay in two hours and was watching me a bit too much in class and then he goes to me this afternoon:
Hey you have a class now right?
(so i go "yeah" and he goes:)

"With Liz? That should be fun" and then he starts laughing.
i snapped at him. i was like. NO! shut up okay? it's not even funny because you obviously know that something's going on and it's actually really beginning to piss me off now and i'm going to THEATRE STUDIES and take it out on my actors if i have to!

Nick saying that just backs up my point that something isn't quite right...and i don't know what it is...whether like, she's just having a thing or whether i actually have done something...idk...but, when Jessie gets like this she knows that she can yell and scream and shout and ignore me completely because i love her, she's my best friend, and i'll still love her no matter what, however, if this whole thing with Liz carries on, then i am not going to just stand by and let it happen i'm going to stand up for myself turn around and be like
hey, it's not okay for you to ignore me for no reason! if i've done something, let me know because i can't think of anything, if you seriously just don't want to be friends with me anymore, okay, but again, let me know don't just start giving me the silent treatment 'cos all that does is confuse and upset me and it makes you look like a bitch.

maybe not those exact words but i'll be thinking something like that ish..

April 24th, 2008

my big mouth!

GOSH! I don't know WHY i do that! it's so annoying!

i really want to grow up, and i don't mean be older i mean start acting like a 17 year old instead of a 7 year old. i would LOVE to have like and adult conversation with one of my teachers without reverting into little kid "they're the boss" mode. it's bloody ridiculous i swear!

"I've got soul, but i'm not a soldier"

"Suddenly I see, This is what i want to be."

"Nobody puts baby in a corner"

Long weekend cos it's Anzac day tomorrow, i kind of want to be out of the house but i kind of want to stay in because i want to watch the parade...idk what we'll do but i'm sure it'll be great...oooh Anzac biscuits! YEAH! if they don't have too much coconut in them otherwise it's like...okay why don't you just call it a coconut biscuit??
you know what else is good? macadamia nut cookies. well that took an interesting turn didn't it? weird. i ate a big bowl of strawberry and chocolate ice cream after school today, school was tough so ice cream helps! lol.

April 22nd, 2008

who am i to say you love me

okay so i've been rambling the same rubbish for weeks and right now i'm going to try and get it out...do it justice, so i apologise in advance if it really is just nothing.

I love them, with almost all of my being i do truly love three of the new people in my life. I love them like family, like a part of me and i would go absolutely crazy without them. The thought of graduating scares me so much, not because of the rest of my life, but because of potentially losing them. i cannot imagine not getting up every morning and going to school knowing that i'm going to see J, W and L.
But i get afraid because what if it's just me. you know, what if they don't need me as much as i do them, and what if they don't want me around as much as i do them?
i know that's really negative and something that i'm not supposed to think on but sometimes you can't not, you know?
but that is what i've been trying to say, is that these three people in my life now are like...this three years that i've been here hasn't really made sense and now in three months i'm finally going, "OHHH, so there WAS a reason for this."
And I love it.

April 21st, 2008

i am so awake it's ridiculous. i just can't stop thinking. it's so frustrating, i hate getting like this.

i keep thinking about Exxy maybe dropping out, and then i think about *BOY* and then Allstar and then my Lit teach (really need a nickname for her...we were gonna go with McThin but we figured it was kinda mean...) and that leads me back to Exxy cos we spoke to her today.

I can't lose Exxy...she's in like more than half my classes. it totally sucks that she might have to leave. then i'm thinking like i get to see the *boy* tomorrow cos of theatre studies, and i'm hanging with allstar at lunch and i need to get the times from my mum to tell Liz about wednesday cos she's meeting my parents that day...actually kind of nervous about it.

i really feel like writing something like...meaningful and metaphorical and sad ish but no luck! i also feel like doing a few other things too but i have to keep myself busy from those.

wishing my life away?

I think that maybe i don't want to be an actress as much as i thought i did...i think i want to be a teacher more now...i don't know.
it's a little frustrating to be honest that a plan that i've had for 7 1/2 years can be so undone in only three months. it's crazy.

i had THE best day ever yesterday, we went to the football, and jessie came and sat with us for a while, and then we went to the pub and my dad taught me how to play pool like he does, and then we went out for dinner and then we came home on the tram and OMG so much funny rubbish! like "I curse you with the itch of a thousand camels." i meant WHAT??
anyways, that's it, BRILLIANT!!!

And here's a meme from annaxbanana.

Read more...Collapse )

April 19th, 2008

Vienna waits for you

I am SO SO SO SO Happy right now!
i can't not smile, it's ridiculous. my homework is frustrating me b/c i'm finding it really difficult but i don't actually care that it's hard cos i'm like well this one's just a bit difficult and i'll do what i can and that's it.

I may not be entirely who i want to be yet, but i know pretty well who i am, and i know who i want to be and i can get there so it's all smiles.
mum and dad and nana and grandad get back this afternoon...well i guess it's like this evening now isn't it? cos it's already like, half four.
cheer practice was brilliant, we've almost got our opening dwon now, we've just got to get the pyramid in time and it's sorted.

i've been thinking about like the near future this week b/c we got told that we need to start gettting ready to do our mips plans and stuff so it's been a bit like ooh...okay then.
but i've got it figured out and i think it's going to be great but then that got me thinking about the formal cos it's in august=I CANNOT WAIT! it's going to be SO much fun! me and Jessie have already said that we're DEFINITELY going whether we have dates or not...like whatever. i don't really care too much, it's not going to stop me having fun with my friends!!
and then that lead me to...graduation and it's like YEAH and NOOOOO! but it's all good.

i actually didn't see Liz yesterday...it was weird it was like the first day that i've not seen her @ school. and the world didn't end *Fake Shocked Gasp* lol.


April 17th, 2008

in love with my life

i was looking on my school website...Nick said something about there being a couple of funny pics of him on there so i had to check it out and i was going through the pics from graduation last year and the year before and i'm just thinking wow. we're already in april, we're already in second term. it's really only...six/seven months until i'm done and really that isn't a lot.
GOSH! i can't imagine leaving. i feel so...safe, so happy, there. it's actually upsetting to think about leaving. Jessie's coming over after school tomorrow so i can show her the pics that i found. LOLZ. still looking for one of Liz and Nick. cos there's one of Nick and MEredith and one of Liz and Meredith but none of them together....which is weird seeing as how everyone thinks they're together. lol. they aren't.
can't imagine not being there...it's bizzare...to the point where actually i kind of don't want to move to america...i've met some seriously amazing people this year and it is kind of like...wow...would i really want to leave them...i've drifted apart from even my family by being in AUstralia instead of England (see how i no longer say "home"? Progress much??) it's crazy...Que Sera Sera...or for now at least.

April 14th, 2008

People always talk about soulmates as lovers but i think that we can have soulmates who aren't.

Soulmates are defined as people who we fit perfectly with, who seem to know us inside and out before they even know us.
i have two of those at the moment. and i would, even though i've only known them both for...two and a bit months say that they are soul mates of mine. people i believe i was meant to meet, people who fit into my life PERFECTLY. people who if they left me, i would feel as if a part of me was missing, people whom i love. wholeheartedly.

I would happily have them both in my life for the rest of my life, therefore effectively spending the rest of my life with them.

Dedicated to Jessie and Liz.

April 7th, 2008

Why I love you...

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who i am when i'm with you.

how nice is that? i read it somewhere today and it really made me think of all my friends. and a certain few more than others. the only thing i would do to the quote is to add to it this:

You make me want to be a better person.

because they really do. Nick told me today that i've done so well to be able to write down how i'm feeling and why and just get it all out on paper and not keep it inside.
and that made me feel great but i gotta say, apart from just seeing everyone again, the thing that really made me feel like i was worth it today was when i told Liz that i'd told my mum.
she was like a little kid. her eyes lit up and she smiled the best smile at me and says:
Good girl! i'm so happy that you did!"

i do have one query...if I tell the truth does that make me a bad person?
i mean i know that telling the truth is morally good, but if you voice what you want and what you feel that you need, does it make you bad?

cos if it doesn't then:

I just really want to do something that's good enough to warrant someone being proud of me.
I want my parents to be, and in a way i kind of want Nick and Liz to be, but i wonder if I have to be proud of myself before they can?
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